This week I’ve been thinking about great inventions that were created due to laziness. Like Poo-Pouri, for those too lazy to courtesy flush; or Snackeez, for those too lazy to wash extra dishes; or The Snuggie, for those too lazy to turn their robe around.
I’ve come up with three inventions that I don’t have the time/money to market research or create. <disclaimer: I’m fully aware that these things might be impossible. Don’t be a dick and point that out to me. You could just suspend your disbelief for a bit. Mmmkay?>
1. The Toilet Snuggie. I don’t know how it works, but, remember how I said I live in an old house? Old houses can be cold. And at 2 a.m. on a cold tile floor and an ice cold toilet, a Snuggie that will keep me warm (especially when I fall asleep on the toilet), won’t fall into the toilet, and has wiping access, would be so lovely.
2. Memory Foam wrapped vacuum cords. I’ll tell you, this lazy mom does not like to wrap up vacuum cords. The damn floors are just going to get dirty again, what’s the point of putting away the vacuum. (Maybe this is another reason why Wanda hates me – she has no place to call her own and she gets no privacy.) So when I have to walk to the bathroom at 2 a.m. And I step on Wanda’s cord, and I yell “Sonofamotherfucker!” and it echoes through my previously mentioned old house, my husband might fall out of bed and/or, my Great Dane might come see what’s wrong, knock me over (naked), and stand on my head, causing more yelling. So soft cushy cord wraps might be neat and very helpful.
3. Cuss Word Foreign Language Headphones. This might be a shocker to you, I cuss. A lot less than I used to but not enough for my daughter not to ask if various words are bad, like “beer”, “dude”, and “gotyousonbitch”. You might also be shocked to learn that I grew up in the SF Bay Area and got to drive in cities like Oakland, LA, and Long Beach. I tend to yell at other drivers within the bubble of my own sound proof vehicle. When the kids were very young I stopped yelling “asshole” and switched to “idiot”. You’ll have to trust me (because I’m not going to post the video) when I say that one day we watched our 18 month old son pretending to drive and yelling at the make believe cars in front of him, messing with the radio to find the best song. Idiot was his choice insult.
So wouldn’t it be the most productive if they invented a smart car with foreign language technology? There would be drop down headphone and every time my pupils dilated or my heart rate went up, the car would know that “fuck” would be coming out of my mouth soon and the kids would put on the headphones. They would hear something productive like classical music or a foreign language lesson. In my car, they’d be fluent in Japanese in two weeks. The headphones would drop down like oxygen masks on airplanes and a no smoking style light would light up. Except this would be a red light with a big F with a circle and a line through it.
There’s a principle in permaculture called “stacking functions”. Now, two of my inventions involve going to the bathroom and maybe they could be bundled together in a cool gift box with safari colors to add value to what the consumer purchases. But those foreign language headphones could definitely stand alone as an awesome product. I’d personally market it to homeschool teachers, might come in handy when they’re late for co-op or if they’re planning a trip to Mexico to immerse themselves in the language. Who needs a language dictionary when your kids can translate? But don’t let me create the program. I’d probably teach kids pendeja or cabron and some family will wind up in Mexican jail.
I think I’ll need everyone to sign a waiver before they’ll be allowed to buy my inventions.