My First Post Is About Vaginas

dreamstimefree_148418My first post is about vaginas?  Well, not all of them, just mine, and a menstrual cup.  It’s also called a “Diva Cup”.

Why “diva”?  Is Mariah going to spring forth from my vag and serenade me with “Touch My Body”?  Why not call it the “Dare Devil Cup?”

Nope. Diva. Got it.

Well, I might not have turned into an operatic singer, but I sure had some choice words while trying the cup out.

It all started with a FB Group convo with some fitness friends.

Did you know there’s a website with all the measurements of the various brands of cups?  I didn’t.  I found out from my Nerd Fitness sisters of such an existence.  For science, I went to this site and decided on a cup to try.  Except the cup I wanted is only shipped from the UK.  Fuck it, Amazon it was.  So I went with one of the few options I could find with Amazon Prime. You’d think Amazon would have more options.  For goodness sake, they have this.

But that’s not the beginning of the story.  The beginning is that the cup was actually introduced years and years ago, back when I was a teenager (we’re talking decades here), back when the only manufacturer who made it called it “Instead”.

Instead of what?  Instead of my period?!  Yay.  I’ll take it!

It’s so easy, they said.  You just pop it right out, they said.

Liars.

That fucking thing put me on the floor.  It pummeled my cervix as I tried to yank it out, it slipped through my fingers over and over, until I felt like passing out and was curled around the toilet like a drunken floozie back from an all night binge fest. Fuck Instead.

And then I discovered that the next generation of menstrual cups have stems.  Stems!

The day came for our date, Big M and I (M for Mariah) It was time to test drive our relationship and see about leveling up.  But because I’m not a dirty whore, I boiled M for 5 minutes (and let it cool down) before I used it.
And then I lubed up M gingerly.

Side note: I used to hustle dildos for fun, and if there’s anything I’ve learned, if you want your silicone toys to stay in tip top shape, you’ll use a toy cleaner and water based lube.  And since Big M is another silicone apparatus that gets to spend a few days a month all up in my shit, well I’m gonna take care of my boo.  We might be together forever.

Remember those poppers when we were kids?

They looked like colorful diaphragms and when you turned them inside out they’d jump 10 feet.  Soo, I didn’t have a good enough grip and Big M flew right across the bathroom.  He was almost a goner.  Back into the boiling water.

Alright.  Now I was ready.  If I followed the directions correctly, I was to maintain a relaxed toilet position and pray that this thing would come out easily later.  I opted for the C-Fold and then prepared myself for bathroom calisthenics.

The instructions read that you’re supposed to spin the cup with your fingers up around the rim after it’s been inserted.  Say what?  So that the cup will pop out from the C-Fold. Do what?

Look, cup-making people, I’m not sure if you’re aware but I’m fat (and so is 50% of the U.S).  And as a fat girl I have this thing lovingly referred to as an apron.  And it gets in the way of most yoga poses.  How the fuck do you expect me to bend in half, on the toilet, and then reach all the way up into my nether cavity, without falling face first into the floor?  My arms don’t bend that way, I don’t know how to dislocate my shoulder.  I’m not double jointed.  Neither of my parents are Gumby.  Can’t you make a selfie stick or something for the Dare Devil Cup?  (No.  You’re right.  Yes. I know.  Idiots would impale themselves.) But the instructions read like this is a frolic in the park, with ice cream at the end.  I’m trying to keep this thing from pelting one of my kids in the head (because the concept of privacy in my house is like explaining Jupiter to a one year old), trying not to get a cramp in my pinky, while simultaneously trying to get Big M to pop and supply adequate coverage to my tampon tunnel.

It would be more honest to write:  “It’s just a jump to the left…” with diagrams of squats, pelvic thrusts, and cabinet leg lifts.

Then it came time to change the damn thing!  Man am I glad there’s a stem on this thing.  If not, I’d be writing from the ER.

I’ll keep this part short.  I basically birthed the damn cup and then had to keep a death grip on it so it didn’t slip out of my fingers and fall in the toilet.  No amount of boiling water will save it.  It’s a goner then.

I then tried the S-Fold.  Nope.  No matter how many times I did the Time Warp, that thing was not going to pop.  Back to the C-Fold.  I know you’ll never fail me, C-Fold.

Final thoughts.

I like the cup.  I’ve been using it for a few cycles now and haven’t lost it to the toilet yet.  I might get a smaller cup and keep Big M as back up, you know, if I’m feeling squirrely.  Or, if I feel like donning some bustiers and a garter belt.
Amazon reminded me that this is the cup I got. I love how Amazon remembers.  And if you want to be my vagina twin, you can get one just like mine. (Affiliate link. This girl’s gotta have a side hustle)

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9 thoughts on “My First Post Is About Vaginas

  1. Omg….. I’m on the floor in TEARS from laughing so hard! Thank you!

    On a writer’s note; well written and nicely visual! (*nicely* visual? Lol. Given the subject matter….. oh hell, you know what I mean!)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m still not brave enough to try the cup. I keep thinking someday I will be but the truth is I’m a wuss. Great review, this is definitely sticking in my mind for when I make my decision!

    Like

  3. That was some funny shit! I shouldn’t of read it when I’m sitting here waiting for the kids to go to sleep cause I kept LOL. Good job sis 👍🏻👍🏻

    Like

  4. Hahaha I’m dying!!! I’m so glad you mentioned you let it cool down after boiling. And man, I tried one of those when they first came in about 10 years ago (or when I was first aware they were out anyway) and sweet Jesus, never again.

    Like

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